Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Long time no post

It has been forever since I last posted. I actually have a few posts that I had been working on that are still in draft. I will eventually get those taken care of and posted.

So much has happend and so much has changed. The trio are huge now and have quite the personalities. Lucy is still a mama hen, I suspect she always will be. Josh is still a daddy's boy and Markas is still a mama's boy.

Lucy has lost 2 of her bottom teeth and I think we have a 3rd that is loose.

On Sept. 9th my mom was admitted to the hospital. She had been having some issues with low blood pressure. She spent that day in quite a bit of pain but they couldn't give her anything because her blood pressure was too low. The morning of the 10th I was on my way to the hospital when I got a phone call from the intensivist that was on call. They called a code on her and moved her to the ICU. They found she had free air in her abdomen, which meant she had perferation somewhere in her intestines. She was taken in for emergency surgery after I got all the consents signed. She was also in acute renal failure and they really didn't think she would survive the surgery. She was in septic shock. She made it through the surgery and they found she had a gastric ulcer that had perferated. The ulcer had obviously been present for some time, unbeknownst to all of us, including her. Because of it, she was malnourished. They started her on dialysis, just trying to cleanse the blood of some of the toxins. It was very touch and go. She spent the next 3 days on 3 different medicines to keep her blood pressure up, the best it was during that time was 90/50. A week and half later she had to go back in for more emergency surgery as the perferation had started to leak again. She was so weak from the malnoutrition the surgeon initially refused to do the surgery. When he learned that her kidneys had completely recovered and were once again working normally he agreed to go back in. The next day they asked me to allow them to but a trach in. I knew she would never want to live like that and it would be for life, if she survived, so I said no. 2 days later they extubated her and took her off the ventilator. The doctors didn't expect her to make it more than a couple of hours. She made it. The following day, which was Saturday, she was awake and trying to talk. She didn't have the strength to actually vocalize but she sure did spend the day trying. It was a good day. She told me several times that she loved me. I apologized for being such a pain in butt daughter, especially as a teenager. She told me that I had nothing to apologize for. Boy, I sure wish I really felt that way. I went to church the next day and then up to the hospital as soon church was out. She spent the whole day sleeping and her breathing was becoming labored once again. They made me leave a 6pm for shift change. I was back up there at 8pm when they once again opened the doors. I sat with her about an hour and then told the nurse I couldn't stay any longer. I couldn't handle watching her like that. I think I knew the end was coming. I knew the whole weekend that I needed to tell her it was ok, that she could go, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Deep down, I knew she needed to hear it but it wasn't OK, for me anyway. Selfish, I know, but, I just couldn't say those words to her. I came home and collapsed into bed. I really hadn't much sleep in the weeks previous. I woke up the next morning and instead of doing what I had been doing for weeks, jumping out of bed, showering, grabbing a cup of coffee and running up to the hospital to take up my daily vigil by her bed, I just layed in bed. I don't know why I did that. I was just about to get up when the doctor called me and told me she didn't have much longer. I dressed quickly and ran out the door. I called our long time family friend, who is like another mother to me. She was closer to the hospital than I was. I called my aunt and told her to be ready, I would be there to pick her up. I got my aunt and as we were walking in the door of ICU we were meant by Mama Pat. She hugged me and told me it was over, she was gone. She told me she was really struggling when she got there and she hoped I wouldn't be mad at her but that she told mom it was OK to go with the angels. She took 2 more breaths after that and her pain and suffering were over. I miss her so much. The little kids seem to understand. Somewhat anyway. Every now and then Lucy will start crying and tell me she misses grandma. They all tell me they know she is waiting for us in heaven. Things have not been the same without her. I still have many moments when I want to pick up the phone and call her. She was without a doubt, my best friend, my biggest cheerleader. She believed in me when no one else did, including myself.

One night a couple weeks after she died, we sat down to dinner. We asked Lucy to say the prayer. It went something like this, "God is good. God is great. Grandma's dead. We are fed. Amen". I about fell out of my chair. My poor hubby didn't know what to do. He thought I would lose it and start crying. Well, you can either laugh or cry. I try to laugh.

Other big news, maybe, time will tell. About a month after mom died my hubby asked if I would consider moving to Michigan to be close to his family. Of course, with mom gone we have no family really here. I told him it was funny he asked because I had been thinking about that. He has been away from his family since he was 18 and joined the Air Force. Well, that may have changed as well. There may be a move to Georgia in our future. He is trying to get a job at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center in southern GA. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would live in GA but it is a very real possibility. It would also put him closer to his oldest daughter. I know he would love that and it would be great for the trio to get to know their big sister.

So, all in all, we are surviving. Some days are harder than others. I have pretty much once again forgotten what sleep really is. Working nights, not having the help that I once did with trio(mom was our primary sitter), and well, just life being what it is, most days are a struggle. There are so many other family dramas occuring but while they do effect me, I am not directly involved, and therefore no need to hash those out.

The one thing I know for certain, through all of this, I have learned even more what a wonderful man I am married to and that God is always faithful. I have been proud of myself, when I could have very easily turned away from God, I managed to stand my groud and draw closer. Still not where I would like to be but I'm working on it.