Monday, August 26, 2013

I've done a lot of thinking the last few days, weeks, months. So much has changed in the last 2 years.

If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be surviving and thriving without my mother, I would have told you there was no way. She was my rock, my champion, my hero. She meant everything to me and I didn't spend the time with her that I should have while she was healthy and able to. I was too "busy". Too busy working. Did we need the money? Yes and no. What was I working for? Money to take vacations? Yes. Money to buy things we didn't need but wanted? Yes. Obviously, I was still of the mindset(like so many others) that working my behind off outside of my home for these "luxuries" was more important than anything else.

If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be homeschooling my children and therefore not working my behind off outside of my home and also giving up any "me" time, I would have told you no way. While there was a part of me that always wanted to homeschool, I cherished my "me" time and my children drove me crazy. It was all selfishness. I wasn't focused on what was important. I mean really important. Do my children still drive me nuts? Yep. Some days more than others.

Since we have been "forced" into the current situation we are in, I have taken the time to rethink everything. I love my beautiful big house that we worked hard to get, but, if I had to make the choice to either go back to work to keep this house or sell it to stay home with my babies, the choice would be easy. We would certainly be moving. It's nice to have more room. It's nice to be surrounded by nothing but trees, but, those things aren't what's important. Being present for my children and my husband are. Playing tag with your spouse when trying to raise kids doesn't work as well as one would like to think. I completely understand that for some, there is no choice. Maybe for some it works. It just doesn't work for us.

We started school a couple of weeks ago. Some days are challenging. Some days we don't get to our school work at all. Some days are easy peasy. We were working on math the other day and we were learning to add 0. Turkey Lurkey wasn't getting it. We use blocks to "build" our numbers. We went over it and over it. I was just about to say we were done for the day when suddenly the light bulb went off. It was the coolest thing ever.

Chicken Little is doing well with therapy. We struggle the most with school but he LOVES math!!! We do math last so that he will get through the rest of it.

Goosey Lucy is just a little rock star when it comes to school work and I am thinking that I am not challenging her enough but I am also still getting a feel for exactly where she is.

My Caitlin is pregnant and due 2/15/14. She was recently told that her chances for having a baby with Down Syndrome are very high. She is scheduled for an amniocentesis next week. It was difficult news to take, especially for a 21 year old woman with a 3 year old. She will be 22 when the baby comes and little D will be almost 4. I'm so proud of her though. She is doing so well and has rededicated her life to Christ. I can't even type that without crying. I feel that no matter the outcome with this baby that He is using this to continue bringing her closer to Him. I'm just so proud of her. She has come so far and it has been a very difficult road, especially for her.

So, here I am, 4 hours after starting this post. I keep getting distracted. I come back and erase what I had written. Re-write it. The changes that have happened over the last 2 years are amazing. I still miss my mom. I still cry sometimes. Every day I am amazed that I have been able to move on because there was a time when I didn't think it would be possible. I still talk to her every day. Her urn is very present in our home. A huge picture of her hangs in the living room. My step-mom is so much like her. They got along so well. Sometimes, when I'm talking to my step-mom I can hear my mom's voice. I think I miss that the most. That and being able to hug her. She didn't do that often but when she did they were wonderful hugs. I only hope and pray that my children and grandchildren can love me as much as we all love her. My children make me want to be a better mother. My husband makes me want to be a better wife and all of them make me want to be a better woman. I only pray I don't ever let them down.